…But didn’t. Because that would be a waste of a marvelous person like me. Plus, then you wouldn’t get to read all these things I say.
But really, I do want to give up. Not every day, and not usually. In fact, I haven’t wanted to give up in a long time. Not since I came to Denver, and began to disassemble to blocks that permit my dysfunction to exist. But sometimes, it just feels like I never get a break, and that I am the camel who just keeps getting straws added to its’ back. I would like to break, to be done, but something in me says not yet. And I have a feeling it will keep saying not yet until I am well over 100 years old.
Really though, you would think that in a universe in which a benevolent lifegiver exists (and I believe that I live in that universe) some of us would get a break. And I would like to be one of those ones to get a break. I am believe that there is a lesson to be learned in every hardship, and that each one will help me to grow. But honestly, I think that I am pretty learned for someone of 21 years of age. And if we are honest, I am certainly not going to get any taller…And I would like to take a break from growing spiritually and emotionally, if only for a few days.
I have been working since I was 14 years old. And that is only counting the actual scheduled, W-2 form jobs, not the babysitting or yard work, and certainly not the volunteering. So, I have been working in the grown up world for one third of my life. Most of that time I have been working at least 2 paying jobs, and all of that time I have been a full time college student. It’s exhausting.
I am not a slacker in the classroom either…I worked my butt off in high school, graduating with near perfect grades. I was accepted to some of the most prestigious schools in America, and was awarded a scholarship that is growing in fame throughout the U.S. In college I haven’t quite working hard academically-the only difference has been the amount of responsibility that I have taken one in addition to grades. While I am no slouch academically, I am not the poster child for grades. Though I am the poster child for multi-tasking! President of one club, I am active in several other clubs, and am a campus ambassador for my scholarship (1 of 6 ambassadors out of 100 or so students with the scholarship). Plus, I still volunteer in the community on my own. You guessed it: it’s exhausting.
I am actively pursuing my post college career. I am engaged and involved with my family. I am an available and supportive friend. I am a dedicated and hard working employee (who currently has 2 summer jobs and 2 more for the fall). I am a volunteer. I am an available and loving partner in a relationship. And still…the knocks just keep coming.
I opted to stay in my apartment for the summer (my apartment which I get paid for during the school year by my scholarship-something I am so grateful for!) rather than move out. The price range is comparable to what I would end up paying in rent, utilities and furniture if I moved out, but the problem is it is due in a lump sum.
And the problem with that is that I don’t have the lump sum. My summer savings got used this spring, which wasn’t going to be an issue when I believed that I could get a student loan. An incredible family member agreed to cosign it, and I felt confident that with my work ethic and chosen field of work, I would be able to pay it off within 2 years of graduation. Not an issue.
Well, now it is. I was given misinformation (through no malicious act, it was just a misunderstanding) and am not eligible to receive this loan during the summer. So, I owe my college $3,000…last Friday.
I will be ok, I know I will. I have meetings to speak with college administrators, and applying for a second full time job for the summer, and working on a crowdfunding page and am getting ready to ask the people around me for support loans. I know I will be ok.
But sometimes…I want to give up. I want to not have to deal with always scraping. I want to take it easy and not work. I want to not have to ask, again and again and again and again for help. I want to be done. I want to finally get that straw that breaks my back, so that I can be done.
I know I won’t. I won’t ever give up, and I probably won’t ever have things handed to me on a silver platter. I will probably always have to ask for help, no matter how old I get. Sometimes though, you just need to take a break and cry, and rant a little, and think about how nice it would be to give up. And then you get up, suck up your pride and dry your tears, and do what needs to be done.
Love love love,
The Girl Who Didn’t Give Up
P.S. This is certainly a rant. And it may come across to some of my readings as whinny. If it does, that’s ok. I am whining. Everyone does it, and I just chose to do it in the privacy of my own blog. If you want to know more, or want to tell me how lucky I really am, send me a note. You know how.