Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Angry. Loss. Empowered. Exhausted. Selflove. Strength.
In the last week I lost a dear friend. No, not to death or tragedy, at least not on the scale that we are accustomed to. Rather, I lost my dear one (that’s what we will call them) to the stealthy hands of time and change, the sneaky ways of growing up and growing into ourselves. It wasn’t a loss that I saw coming, and it’s arrival was shocking and hurtful to me.
My initial response was nearly catatonic shock. Reversion to the kinda of place that I have been able to stay away from since I was in high school. The scary, dark, Heidi-hating place. I didn’t know how to respond. The anger and hurt that was directed at me was so extreme, and so unexpected, that my only response was hysteria and apology.
It was a rough few days, but thanks to the incredible love that is shown to me by my family and friends, I made it through. Once the shock wore off, rage set in. Huge, self-righteous and unapologetic rage. I will be the first to admit that the rage felt a lot better than the apologies, or the numb self hatred. But, it still didn’t feel good. I didn’t like living with this turmoil in me, especially when it was directed at someone I had loved (and will continue to love) so much. I needed to let it go, and hopefully work out the areas of grief that existed in what had once been a joyous connection.
After a lot of working out, and calm thinking moments, I thought I was ready. Well, perhaps more than thought, I WANTED to be ready. I wanted to bigger, to be kinder, to be more enlightened. I wanted to reach out, to talk, and to mend. I still didn’t understand what had gone wrong, or why the dear one felt so betrayed and hurt by me. I believed that I needed to understand, and that if I did I would be able to deal with my own hurt and sorrow at the accusations thrown at me, and then to heal the hurt that this dear one seemed to be feeling.
Funny though, how every time you plan on being enlightened the universe has its little ways of showing you that you really aren’t there yet…
This time, the universe demonstrated its magnificent teaching power by testing my own ability to cope, and to be kind (when kind is not what I want to be!). After reaching out the dear one, I was quickly and succinctly shot down. It seemed that while I desperately wanted to make time for the dear one in my life once more, they weren’t ready to do the same for me.
While this truly hurt, I was able to move beyond it. I knew that it wouldn’t be healthy or wise for me to reach out once more, but at least I had the personal closure of knowing that I had tried. It seemed that this friendship was indeed over, but not for a lack of trying on my part. And perhaps the dear one would have time, who am I to know how busy they may be?
However, the universe wasn’t quite done teaching me just how much further I have to go to enlightenment, and decided to throw me a curveball. While the dear one was too busy to work with me to mend a lost love, they weren’t too busy to spend time with the someone else who I love. This hurt. I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to be their support. And I really really really didn’t want to succumb to the insecure and terrified part of Heidi who suspected ulterior motives. So, I am not. I am being ok with the rage, with the jealousy, with the insecurity. I am being ok with the pain and the loss. BUT! I am not being ok with being blown off. With being accused without evidence. With being blamed for being Heidi. And most importantly, I am not going to allow myself to be stepped on again, and again, and again. I will always love this dear one, but it seems that now it is time for my own dear self to move onward with my life, and to no longer allow the insecurities and angers of others to derail the path that I have picked.
After all this, I think that the most important thing that I have learned is that sometimes, you just need to give up. Not accept defeat, just acknowledge that if you keep trying, if you keep accepting the shit that gets thrown at you, you will die. That is what I have spent much of my life doing, and I am done now. There is only so much a girl will take.
So, while I am filled with sorrow at the loss of this dear one, I have to laugh at the gift that the universe has given me in helping me to understand that sometimes, enough really can be enough. You don’t have to keep throwing a drowning man a rope, if it means that they are just going to use it to hang you later. You can toss them a life preserver, offer to pull it in, and when they decline, row off (ok, horrible analogy but it’s 1 am!)
And that incohesive and peculiar thing up there is my ramblings. I feel much better now, don’t you?
Love love love,
The Girl Who Was Ready to Save Herself